Monday, December 6, 2010
7:24 PM
"Empty at the core. There's nothing quite as horrifying as finally knowing that my core is just a void within a void. After trying for so long to pull something out of the void inside of me, I realize that I had achieved nothing in an endless cycle.
I want to know how does one live with a spiraling void within himself, all that's left is an empty facade of hollow flesh, simply with the pretense of sanity, a silver of humanity and social interaction capability.
So how does one truly lives? When all our lives, we have tried to escape emptiness, escape feeling empty. Yet we discover that the harder we try, the more hard truth would be to accept that we have tried escaping from ourselves.
Most people do not fear the truth. After all, what value does the truth holds? As was said, all was delusion. Truth was nought. We live in a world where the most elaborate lies over shadow the most truthful truths. What we fear most would be the process of finding facts, the innocence and the lies destroyed; and the effect.
When young, the only burden we carry on our backs were heavy schoolbag, yet as we get older, we replace physical burden with emotional and mental burdens. To lighten those burdens, many turn to friends, family or religion for company, for advice
Yet we do not need other people telling us how we should lighten our burdens, for the answer lies within ourselves. I found that insanity and a mirror gave me more answer than I could ever asked. Why? Because all these questions, all these burdens, emotional turmoil originates from Yourselves! If you yourself do not know the answer, how can one expect other to answer a question that has no answer?
Insane or sane. Take a stand. There is no more clear distinction between both except for an "In" word. Where normal human beings cling on to their mask like their life depended on it, where people who refuses to go with the charade are exiled to distant isle of outcasts. Life has never been clearer yet so dark.
Only in total voided darkness does one truly become oneself, not the pathetic mask that we drew for ourself. In the vast emptiness, one drops the mask, and rejoice and rejuvenate in the truth of nothing. Dance and sing and act as you will, for you pass your own verdict when the days cometh.
The simplest motivation, the most complex goals. The driving force that moves us all. While some would just be contended with an ordinary simple life, others would never find content in having enough. Choose your path, be it getting paid less for doing more, or getting paid for doing practically nothing.
So very fascinated I am, by the delicate balance between sanity and insanity, and the violent battle of life and death, yet how ever different they are, both are the same. As life fades away and death comes into play, sanity edges away and insanity comes my way. "
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Hope.. Nothing quite like it isn't there? How a hopeful might move mountains and swim the oceans, while hopeless stumbles at pebbles. I was once filled with hope, yet as eternity passes and cometh, hope eroded by the very sands of time, aided by the occasional sand storm.
However, was it not myself that trekked into the vast empty desert? Headlong into the gusts of sands I charged, heedless of sound advice. "trust no one but yourself" I said. Yet in the end, the chilling truth was that I could not believe myself.
For what purpose I went into the great emptiness I have long forgotten, but now I know my only goal is to make to make it out with sanity intact before hollowed time swallows me whole.
Hah.. Sanity.... People who's face has long faded from memory , yet their voices echos long and loud, resonating deep. Was it in my mind or heart, that their voices seem so clear.. " you must be insane or a damn fool or both, anyone who went into the golden desert never did came back out. " I know I am not insane, not then, not now. Did they not see? I had to seek this path, it's not a want, I Need it! I need to find back my humanity, where people in general still retained their mind and sanity.
Yes... Sane people just like me, that was originally what I intended to find... All these people who went in, people whom others called insane, they must have settled somewhere... To escape from it all.. Somewhere in this vast emptiness I know I would find them, fate willing.
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So many days has pass since I came in here... I can feel.. Slowly but surely, my sanity and senses getting devoured by hunger and time. How many dawn break and sunset passes I have already lost count.
Ever increasingly mirages appear, playing tricks on both mind and soul. I do not know if I can withstand much more of this emotional torment. Where every human shape sends wave of energy pumping through my legs, and an overwhelming sense of exhilaration flowing through my body, yet all comes tumbling down as I spend the few remaining precious ounce of energy chasing after illusions. Hopes risen and fallen. Day, after day, after day.
At a bottom of a sand dune I lay, too weary to go on, held back by mortal restrain. My spirit yearns to seek truth, my body aches for rest. As the scorching mid day sun turns into the glowing ember of sun set, up on the top of the dune, my eyes fixate on one particular spot, something that I have yearned for.
=========================================================================== "Do you think we should bring him in? It has been weeks since anyone last forayed this far into this god forsaken wasteland, barren of all things but knowledge."
" Wait till he reaches the top, only then would he be at his lowest."
" Damn it Kaeny, have the desert stole your very soul of humanity? To lay this test of cruelty on a dying man, whose spirit is the only substance that keeps him alive"
" A necessary cruelty, for each persons quest for meaning and knowledge can only be fulfilled by himself, not others. You of all person should understand that fact the best."
"Asshole, using my words against me... Say, do you store all these quotes in your head just so you can use it against the user when opportunities arises?"
"maybe."
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Ahh fuck.. Just another damn mirage. As I willed my brain to stop playing tricks on me, hoping to make the figure on the sand dune disappear. Yet somethings seems to be amiss, as the sun begins the slow majestic plunge into the pool of darkness, a realization hit me. "The effing thing is casting a shadow! It's a person up there!"
Summoning the last few remaining silver of energy I had left, I frantically began to make the ascend to the top, before darkness descend upon the land.
With hope and spirit rushing through my veins, and anticipation propelling my protesting limbs, I ran, sprint, clawed, crawled and stumble my way to the top.
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A lone vulture glides lazily over head, even though the sun is midway through it's decent down below the horizon, the vulture does not heads back to the solitary nest of bones he has built. In such a barren desert, there are no shrubs or trees to provide the branches for the bird to built a nest, so it took the next best thing this desert has in abundance. It does not head home as it sense an opportunity, the smell of near death drifts upward with the remaining few waves of heat the land has to offer. Besides, it wants to lay claim to the traveller below, whose flesh would satisfy the empty stomach, and of course, the nest is in dire need of new building material, the two legged creature bones would do nicely.. It always had use bones for it's nest. However, bones crumble with age; exactly why the scavenger needs this prey.
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"look, the vulture is back again, soggy old bastard always tails travellers to this very spot; waiting for them to die."
"it senses death, for another's death means life for him. An extension on his lifespan at the cost of others death. Isn't the outside world like that? Except they gladly trade other people lives away for mere luxuries."
"That, Kaeny, is one of the reason I seek refuge here, away from the rest. And besides, you haven't been reading my record of the conversation I had with the White One have you?"
"hmmm... What makes you think so?"
"well Arschloch, what you said was exactly what I said."
"You travel across vast ocean, ventured deep into desert to abandon all to seek refuge, one would think you'd drop the language too."
"yeah well, it has a nicer ring to it, and that's beside the point! Did you or did you not?"
"Look! He has reached!"
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After the long arduous climb, what I saw was what I anticipated deep inside my brain, but the advice went unheeded inside my heart, which urged me on with courage, despite the doubt filled mind.
What appears to be an illusion might not be, yet what's real might not be truth.
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Well, just decided that it's time that i got back to writing short stories, This might not be very well done as i am not a writer, and i wrote this entirely on my Iphone and completed within a total time of around 2.5 hours..(Bus rides to and fro work, Work break time)
Anyway, it may seem a little lacking, and i am thinking of characters name..
Constructive comments are very very welcomed.
Part 2 may or may not come out.. most possibly yes.
